Tate has arrived!

I would like to begin this post by warning any soon-to-be mothers to proceed with caution because this may scare the crap out of you! That having been said, here goes...

Last Thursday I was one week overdue and went into the hospital to have the obstetrician have a looksie at things and decide when to induce. He said to come in the next morning at 8am to be induced (gulp!) and then swept my membrane "just to see if things will get started on their own" and sent me away. I was pretty freaked out because I felt like I had just made an appointment to give birth, which made me painfully aware of how imminent labour was. Anyhow, Jim and I went out for some groceries, cleaned, ordered pizza and watched a movie, and just enjoyed our last night as a twosome. We made sure our bags were packed, showered, brushed our teeth and went to bed, ready (or as ready as we could be) for our appointment with parenthood in the morning.

At four in the morning, I awoke feeling like someone was drilling into my back. My first thought was "You have got to be freaking kidding me." This kid puts me through a week of extra waiting, then when someone else decides when he's going to come, he kicks us all in the balls and decides we're doing it his way. I have no idea who he got that from...

Anyhow, I got out my watch and since my contractions were 9 minutes apart, decided not to wake Jim and to go into the living room to have a snack and relax while waiting for Jim to wake up at 7, figuring we would call the hospital around 7:30 to let them know that I went into labour on my own and that we would come in when my contractions were closer together, knowing that could take a long time.

5:30 - Contractions are 5 minutes apart.
6:30 - Contractions are 3 minutes apart.
7:00 - Contractions are 2 minutes apart. I am hunched over the bathroom sink, moaning and crying, as Jim gets things into the car as fast as he can and makes me toast with peanut butter.
7:30 - We arrive at the hospital. Contractions are 1.5 minutes apart. I am not happy.

My labour nurse Bev brought me into the delivery room, sweetly tells me to change into a gown and that they would hook me up to the monitor to see how things were progressing. In the bathroom, as Jim is helping me undress and get into the gown I am making this really attractive noise deep in my throat, signalling my discomfort to the nurse. This happens 3 times within the next 5 minutes, and the nurse peeks her head in to ask how I am. I just look up at her, mid-contraction, and she says "Let's get her dressed and onto the bed so she can have some nitrous oxide."

As soon as I'm hooked up to the monitor Bev remarks that my contractions "sure are fast and furious" at which point I feel like yelling "NO SHIT, MAKE IT STOP!" but because she's so sweet, I keep my thoughts to myself and continue to moan into the gas mask. A lovely girl named Elise (student nurse) is rubbing my feet and quietly encouraging me, as Jim holds my hand and coaches me to breathe. For some reason, I was having a hard time with the whole breathing thing.

I would like to point out that at this point my thoughts are circling around one thing: "If this is going to get worse, I'd like to explore the option of doctor-assisted-suicide please."

Bev examined me and said that I was 4 centimetres dilated, and I wanted to cry, not knowing how long it would take to get to ten, and seriously reconsidering my decision not to take the drugs.

By 9:00 I was 8 centimetres dilated, and Dr. Joshi arrived assessed the situation and calmly said "Looks like the baby will be here around 10:00" as if this was a dinner party, and we were just waiting for the last guest to arrive. Normally this calm assessment of the situation would have infuriated me, but for some reason it calmed me down. Probably because it felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel. I asked for drugs. Dr. Joshi said there was no point, because by the time they started working we'd be done. Awesome. I wanted to die.

I would write about the next two hours in detail, but I've decided not to catalogue those particular memories because I'm afraid that if I do, I won't have any more children. This way, hopefully I forget. I will tell you this though...it hurt. It hurt like nothing has ever hurt before in my life. Nothing and no-one could have possibly prepared me for the pain of labour. I actually probably couldn't even do it justice if I did try to describe it here. It was pure unadulterated hell. Oh, and I tore. My vagina. I tore my vagina and needed stitches. In my vagina. And for the record, vagina stitches are the second most painful thing I've ever experienced, with the first being labour.

Jim was incredible. Somehow he knew just what to say and when to say it, when to squeeze my hand, when to remind me to breathe, when to encourage me, and when to just sit there and let me hold his hand. Maybe I could have done it alone, but as I lay there I remember thinking that I wouldn't be able to go on without him there. He was like an anchor. Wonderful man.

11:05 - Tate William James MacCabe is born. 8lbs 13.5oz, 56 cm long, absolute perfection.

I'm a mother! Tate was born and seeing him for the first time was the most wonderful, beautiful, surreal and memorable experience of my life. I was instantly hooked. After they had cleaned him up and checked him out and I was holding him, I lay there thinking "This is BIG love." I stared at him, wondering how it was possible that he was mine forever, that I got to keep him and have him and enjoy him for the rest of my life. It was worth every second of pain, and I would do it again ten times over.

After two nights in the hospital, we were discharged. Jim buckled Tate into his carseat and we walked out of the hospital and headed home...as a family.

This is my last pregnancy blog post, but because I have so enjoyed blogging over these past several months I've decided to write a blog about our family life. The link is here: http://happyholisticfamily.blogspot.com/

I hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it, and I truly appreciate the encouragement and support of those of you who have been a part of this journey from day one. Much love!

My Uterus is a Ticking Time Bomb!

I am so so so so so so excited!!!

Jim will be home tomorrow, and the baby will be here any day now! I am so happy that my long, arduous period of waiting is finally coming to an end. I know that I should feel lucky to have all the free time, alone time and space I could ever want, and until a few days ago I was very happy and grateful for it. However, on Sunday night I hit my breaking point and since then have been so bored I felt like I was drowning!!! I didn't realize how hard it would be after awhile to be away from my friends and family. I love it here, and I love Jim's family of course, but I miss being able to go out for a walk in the city, or reading a book in a coffee shop downtown, or even just spending time with girlfriends. It makes me sad that I took those things for granted before. I wonder what I'm taking for granted right now?

Anyhow, I am thrilled that I only have one more day of waiting for Jim's homecoming, and I'm even more thrilled that we don't have to say goodbye anymore! I'm also a little nervous and scared about the crazy adventure we're about to embark upon together. Parenting. Dum...dum...dum...

I can't believe our son is almost here. After all of the weeks and months of waiting it actually seems crazy that he will be born soon. I've gotten so used to being pregnant that sometimes I forget what it was like not having to pee 20 times a day, what it was like to be able to bend over and be able to basically do any kind of physical activity I wanted. I actually do forget what it's like to be able to hop out of bed easily and gracefully. Nine months is much too long if you ask me...pregnancy was definitely thought up by a man.

I've spent the last few days cooking and freezing meals for the first couple of weeks after the baby arrives, making lists, cleaning every inch of our living area, sitting in the baby's room daydreaming, reading and preparing for Jim's arrival and the baby's arrival. In fact I did more cooking and housework today than I thought I could physically handle...which is probably why I'm going to have to slip into the bathtub when I'm finished writing this...it made me really stiff and sore!

I've thought about what to do with the blog once the baby has arrived, and besides making it into a book to give to him when he's older, I'm going to retire this one and start a new blog! I'll be amalgamating this one with my other healthy living blog and creating one about our journey into parenthood and our journey towards optimum health and wellness. I'll write about the baby, about the ups and downs of parenting, about our plans and adventures, and will include photos, recipes, and all kinds of good stuff. It's all ready and waiting for my first post...as a mom. I'll make sure to post the new site on here so you can follow a quick link to get to it if you are so inclined. I'll try to keep it updated as regularly as I've kept this one.

Well, stay tuned...it's almost birthing time!

False Labour

Yesterday at around five o'clock I started having Braxton Hicks contractions - which I'm used to at this point - on a semi-regular basis. As the minutes ticked by, they became more frequent and more intense. By 7:30, I was starting to think that maybe this was it! Labour! So, being my mother's child, I started cleaning. The thought going through my head wasn't "I'm going to have a baby!" but "This place must be spotless when I get home from the hospital!" It was weird, and kind of surprising. Anyways, after cleaning until I could clean no more, I slipped into the tub to try and relieve some of the intensity because at this point the contractions were getting pretty intense and the pressure in my back was unbelievable. I got out of the tub, checked to make sure I had everything packed and slipped into bed to read the 'How to Know If You're In Labour' sections of my pregnancy books. From what I gathered, it was just as likely that this was real as it was that it was false labour.

So, I called my mom. She made it pretty clear that she thought I should go to the hospital, and that I would end up having a baby at home if I didn't. However, after I hung up with her I thought about how tired I was and said to myself "You do not want to have a baby right now with no sleep." So I decided to try and sleep, figuring that if I was indeed in labour, I would either not be able to sleep, or I would wake up when it got intense enough for me to need to hop in the car and head for the hospital. On the other hand, if this was false labour I would most likely fall asleep and stay that way (until I needed to pee). So, being exhausted, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

I woke up this morning still pregnant. I was thrilled. I've been complaining lately that I'm sick of being pregnant and that I want to give birth NOW, but when I thought it was actually happening last night I was in a state of panic because Jim wasn't here. No matter how uncomfortable and impatient I am, I do not want to do this without him at my side. I can't even imagine it. So I had a chat with our little man this morning, and explained to him that while punctuality is an excellent quality to possess, making a habit of being too early can come off as obnoxious and rude, and he shouldn't develop a bad habit like that straight from the womb. I believe we have an understanding. As long as he can hold out until Friday when Jim arrives, I will be happy.

However, if he can give his dad and I just one day alone together before making his entrance (I'm dying to see Eat Pray Love) then I will be extra happy. :)

Only 2 1/2 more weeks...

8 months down...one month to go!

As of yesterday, I am one month away from my due date (which I guess means today I'm less than a month away...) and I am thrilled. As magical *cough* and beautiful *cough cough* and truly magnificent *aaaahem* as pregnancy is, I seriously CAN NOT WAIT for it to be over! I want my body to be my own again. I want to be able to run and bend, and even just roll over in bed again! There are so many things I'm looking forward to being able to do again, and so many things I'm looking forward to not doing anymore (like peeing 30 times a day and having to sleep with 7 pillows arranged all around me) but the thing I am most looking forward to is the precious little human I get to love and hold and nurture.

It's so common to hear that women can't wait to 'meet' their babies, and I also can't wait for the moment I see him for the first time, but I already feel like I know him. After all, he's the little man I sing to in the mornings when I wake up and feel him start to squirm around inside. He's the little guy who affects every food and drink choice I make because I know those choices affect him too, the one who has taught me so much already about taking life as it comes and learning to roll with the punches (and kicks!) that come my way. He's the little guy who I tell to knock it off when I feel a foot creeping up into my ribs, and the one I feel sorry for when I notice burst blood vessels all over my belly because there is no more room in there! I'm anxious to hold him, nurse him, bathe him, feel his breath on my chest and his fingers wrap around mine, but I wouldn't say I'm anxious to 'meet' him. We're already old pals.

As my due date comes nearer and nearer I can't help but think about all of the things I'm excited for, but also the things I'm nervous about. What if my obsession with a healthy lifestyle makes him stand out like a sore thumb at school? Nobody is going to trade a toasted avocado sandwich on ezekiel bread for a snack pack! What if my love and patience wears thin and I lose my cool and make him cry? What if we have money problems and he has to go without something? What if I don't do a good enough job instilling the values and morals I place so much importance on and he ends up taking a wrong path? What if I can't accept that he has to make his own mistakes and follow his own path when the time comes? And what will I do on the day that will inevitably come, when he realizes I am not perfect, I don't have it all figured out, and I make bad choices sometimes too? All of these things run through my head constantly, leaving me feeling more than a little overwhelmed.

While I worry about the future, I also look forward to it. I wonder what kinds of things he will teach me, and how I will see things through a new set of eyes. I wonder how I will react in certain situations and how I will manage the stress of being a mother at the same time as I am deciding what to do career-wise. I'm so lucky to have the partner I have in Jim. In the situations where I need to do some work, he's got it figured out, and vice versa. So many people don't have that and I am seriously grateful. The fact that I will be able to hand him the baby and say "mom needs to go for a run" and know that he gets it is a huge comfort. Having someone to lean on is an incredible gift, and I never realized until I was faced with the reality of motherhood just how hard and scary it must have been for my mom to do it without a partner. I'm so glad she had my aunts, uncles and grandparents as a support system. I can't imagine doing this without Jim.

Now I'm aware of every tick of the minute hand, knowing that as the minutes and hours pass, I am coming closer and closer to being a mother. I'm still searching for the 'How To Be A Perfect Mother and Make No Mistakes' manual. If you know where I can get one, let me know! Until then, I'll just have to take the kicks as they come.

34 weeks...tick-tock...tick-tock.

Well, I woke up this morning and it was still August so I'm pissed. Jim left for Sioux Lookout again on Saturday, and so began the longest four weeks of my life. I've been trying to make lemonade out of the situation and all I'm coming up with is that when this four weeks is over, we're together at last with no more goodbyes, and we will be 2 weeks away from having a baby! The tricky part is figuring out what the heck to do to fill up my time until then.

I actually have a lot to do. I still have a list of things to pick up for the baby (although we do have most necessities, so if he comes early we won't be diaper or carseat-less), lots of sewing to finish up (I still have two nursing covers, a changepad cover, a sling and a chair slipcover and a few pillows to sew), a couple of books to finish reading about holistic parenting and childbirth since I don't know how much time I will have to read once my little man is here, and lots of recipes to try out so I can figure out which ones to make and freeze in advance, and prepare grocery lists to make the first couple of weeks easier. Jeez...typing it out makes me feel like I should get my butt off the computer and hop to it! Oh, and I also have to finish the afghan I'm knitting for the baby. However, that's one thing that isn't urgent since I can knit once he's here too!

Last week we picked up a bunch of stuff to finish off the baby's room like clothes storage, stuff for a changing area, etc. Jim put up a shelf and curtain rod for me and I finished the 3rd (and last) painting I had planned for the room. Now once I have the slipcover for the second chair sewn, and the pictures of Jim and I developed and framed, the room will be complete! Speaking of which, I'll share a couple of the pictures on here.

The playpen arrived and is set up and ready! We also picked up our cloth diapers last week which was really exciting! We're using Bummis pre-folds and wraps (check them out online, they're painfully cute) and homemade wipes and washcloths in lieu of disposable diapers and chemical-soaked commercial wipes. I'm hoping disposable diapers will go the way of the do-do soon. However, we will have a few disposable diapers on hand for day trips and the odd day when I might need a pinch hitter when the diapers are all dirty and I'm sitting in the closet chewing on my hair because I don't want to do any more laundry. Cloth diapering is really easy though for people who have their own washer/dryer in the house, so while it may sound crazy, it's really a better choice, both for babies (organic unbleached cotton vs. synthetic & chemical-laden) wallets (a cloth diapering kit will pay for itself in 3 months instead of paying for disposable diapers for two years!) and the environment (disposable diapers are the third largest contributor to landfill waste in North America). Okay, I'm done ranting about the disposable diaper now.

I washed everything (and I mean everything that could go into a washing machine, did) and folded and put it all away, which was a magical experience. Washing and folding the clothes made me second-guess the amount of clothing we have and wonder if we needed more, but then I reminded myself that I didn't want to have a huge surplus of clothes and kicked that knee-jerk reaction's butt! I'm pretty anxious to have the nursery finished now that I'm in the home stretch. I go into the baby's room several times a day and just stand there, so excited for when there's a baby in it! After hours of research and reading reviews online we picked up a breast pump (I'll be using a manual one for now, since I'll only be pumping once a day for awhile) and a baby monitor. We decided to wait to buy a swing and baby carrier since they're not an absolute necessity and we need to watch the $$$ spending. We got the cutest baby bathtub I've ever seen! The carseat will arrive on Wednesday (thanks again Mom!) and once MEC get their butts in gear the stroller will be on it's way. We chose the BOB SUS jogging stroller. It's incredible, and I recommend you check it out online. The baby will be riding around in the cadillac of jogging strollers while I lose all this pesky weight. *I can't WAIT to get running again!*

Now as for me, the past couple of weeks have been hell pregnancy-wise. I've had intense pain from time to time from my pubic bone separating (which Dr. MacCara said is rare, but normal), sciatic pain so intense it makes me cry and an unbelievable amount of pressure in my lower back. Combine those with constant peeing, mood swings and an unbearably itchy belly and you've got me. Needless to say, I get grumpy from time to time and am 100% ready to give labour a try. On the bright side, the sciatic pain wasn't kicking around yesterday and seems to have taken a vacation today as well so I'm going to go enjoy a walk with Quincy while I can!

The baby is very active, and it's really fun to watch him move around in my belly. It's kind of weird to see things jabbing out and moving across the surface of my stomach, but also really wonderful to think that there's a little person in there who is tantalizingly close to being ready to come out and meet us. I can't wait!

Alright, well my butt hurts from sitting here typing too long, so I'm off for a walk with Quincy!

32 weeks!

Aloha! I'm laying in bed right now only half-awake trying to summon the motivation to shower and start the day, so I figured the most productive way to procrastinate would be to update the blog. Lucky you!

The past couple of weeks have been good, but also very hard. The bigger I get, the harder it is to move around. It's also quite hot here which basically results in me hanging out in the rec room with a fan blowing on me for most of the day. Jim has been gone for a week and 1/2, and will be back in 9 days...the time apart has been harder than it ever has, so that doesn't help. It might sound silly, but sometimes I think life will be easier when the baby is here (if you're a mother, I bet you're laughing at me right now) because the emotional ups-and-downs won't be so awful. At least when the baby is here my mood won't be so unpredictable and Jim will be here, so I won't be missing him most of the time. What a wonderful time that will be! AND the baby will be here. Yahoo!

I've had the weirdest, most unpredictable week sleep-wise. For three nights I got a combined total of 10 hours of sleep and wasn't able to nap during the days, then for the past three nights I got 7 hours, 7 hours and 9 hours, with an hour of napping during the day in between! I've been paying really close attention to what I do during the day so I can try to identify anything that might be helping me sleep at night, but nothing sticks out! Besides a change in position nothing is any different than usual, so I can only assume that my sleep position is kicking insomnia's butt, or that whether or not I sleep is a decision made by someone, somewhere (with a cruel sense of humour!).

I've finally found a prenatal yoga program that I'm really happy with (great timing, right?) and it's from a book instead of a video, which was surprising. It's the yoga routine from Deepak Chopra's Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives which is a guide to a holistic pregnancy and childbirth - right up my alley! It's been helpful with relieving some back pain, but pelvic lifts are getting really hard since I have this huge uterus to lift! It's like doing a pelvic lift with weights strapped on! However, learning to breathe and focus through yoga and meditation is said to be enormously helpful during labour, so I'm keeping at it no matter what!

I've started a chain of beads (an idea I got from a holistic pregnancy forum) representing every woman I know who has gone through labour. There is a different type of bead for every woman, and the number of beads represents how many children she has. So for an example, there's three of one bead representing my mom, two representing Auntie Laura, two for Auntie Debbie, four for Grammie, three for Shannon's mom Gwen, etc. The woman I got the idea from said it was really helpful during pregnancy to use the string of beads like a japa mala (hindu prayer beads). She would hold each bead in her hand while focusing on her breathing and reminding herself that every bead she held represented a birth that someone she knew had experienced and survived! I figured that's just the kind of hokey thing that would be perfect for me! It's just difficult finding new beads...

Since Jim left I've been a busy mommy bee setting up the nursery! I've been sewing like a maniac since I'm too stubborn to use a sewing machine and it looks great so far! I've sewed slipcovers for the rocking chair, nursing covers, a breastfeeding pillow and extra pillowcases for it and made pillows out of the extra fabric. I've also finished a painting for the room, hung curtains and gave the whole room a good disinfecting! I've been accumulating all the things on our to-buy-for-the-baby list, which is really fun, but also really overwhelming! I'm working through a 3-page list of basic necessities (baby shampoo, recieving blankets, breast pump, pacifiers, etc.) and it's really fun to cross stuff off, but not so fun to see how big the list still is after I do! I wanted to be mostly ready by the first week in August just in case the baby takes after me and decides to come early, but I don't think that's going to pan out! But I suppose that as long as we have diapers, the car seat and my boobs, then that's all we really need if he makes an early entrance!

As you probably know, we're using cloth diapers. We'll be ordering them while Jim is here the first week of August and I'm way more excited than I thought I'd be for them to arrive! I think it's because once the diapers are here I decided to give myself permission to finally wash everything and put it away, and get the changing area set up. I will enjoy every second of that experience! Auntie Laura told me when she got to do that for Genevieve, she washed everything and wouldn't let Uncle Denis help fold! She just blissfully did it all herself, and relished every second of it. I know it's going to make the anticipation even juicier!

Once I've got all of the basic baby necessities, that's when I'm going to pick up the not-so-fun stuff, like pyjamas for the hospital, nursing bras, nursing pads, underwear and lots of super-absorbent maxi-pads. I'm avoiding that purchase like the plague since I've enjoyed 7 and 1/2 blissful period-free months and am not happy about that little bit of magic coming back. The baby books say it can last for up to 6 weeks! I say that's cruel and unneessary! A woman who just went through pregnancy, gave birth and is now a sleep-deprived human milking machine shouldn't have to do all of that while bleeding. It's not fair. I really believe that if men and women had to trade off being pregnant every time they wanted a baby, there would be no families bigger than 3 out there! However, I also find it amazing that Jim has the mind-power and patience to put up with my mood swings. They can be nasty little buggers. The things I can get really worked up over are surprising (like the time I told Mom to go to hell when she asked to go pee before I took a shower one night...eeks...I'm still feeling bad about that one!) I've written myself a note to remind me that Jim is also going through this pregnancy, and even though he isn't experiencing morning sickness, insomnia, backaches, an upsetting amount of weight gain and mood swings from hell, he is putting up with a woman who is, and he too is feeling fear, anxiety and worry about becoming a new parent. Sometimes it's hard to remember that. Poor Jim. This is why people date for a couple of years, get married and then have kids after awhile. Oops! Ah well, I wouldn't be me if I weren't doing things in my own way, in my own time, and totally different than anyone would have expected!

Well, I can't hold my pee any longer (which is usually what makes me end up getting out of bed in the morning!) so off I go.

P.S. This blog is dedicated to Katie Rains, who paid her dear friend Kim a lovely visit on Wednesday. What a gem. :)

30 weeks...and it's freaking hot here!

First things first...sorry for being such a lazy blogger, but Jim was here for 10 days and frankly I just didn't make time. But now I have three long, depressing, Jim-free weeks full of blogging time.

Wednesday marked week 30, and it was a very exciting day for me! I felt like a Spartan woman just because I've made it this far without pulling out my eyelashes one by one. It's amazing how pregnancy has put me in touch with the feminist in me. It is truly incredible that we as women have the incredible power and the incredible gift of being able to bring forth a new life. That's something I'm going to try and remember more often in the next two months. It's funny though, as much as I complain sometimes and feel fat, uncomfortable and overheated a lot of the time, as time goes by, I become more and more open to the idea of doing this again. We'll see if that positive outlook survives labour...

My last OB appointment was another surprising one, with only one pound gained in three weeks, but 4 inches of belly growth! My pants and skirts are starting to fall down easily over my hips. I believe I'm gaining baby and losing fat...which is 100% okay with me, especially since besides eating a supremely healthy diet and trying to walk often (and it's actually more of a slow waddle than a walk these days) I am making no effort to lose it! It's a pregnant woman's dream! Maybe by the time I give birth I will be back to my normal size...

Probably not.

Today I picked up the ingredients to make a breastfeeding pillow, slipcovers for the pillow, and nursing covers! It was a lot of fun to pick out fabrics for them. They're all baby-patterned super-soft flannel and they're adorable! Instead of using a sewing machine I'm doing them all by hand. I like the idea of putting the extra time in, especially because while I'm making them I'll be full of love and excitement. Sappy as it sounds, the more love and care I put into making something the more special it seems. This month I will be getting the nursing room ready. Since we've decided to wait until we've moved into wherever we will be living once Jim is back to work in November (and we don't know where that will be yet) to get the nursery furniture, we'll be having the bassinet in our bedroom, and turning the baby's room into a nursing/changing room. That means over the next few weeks I will be getting that all ready which is really fun and exciting. I'll put up pictures when it's finished.

Pregnancy-wise the past couple of weeks have been a little more difficult than what I had been getting used to. It's hard to get comfortable at night, therefore it's also kind of hard to fall asleep. But as soon as I find a comfortable position I fall asleep almost instantly which is nice. I'm usually up 2-4 times to pee at night, which has just become a normal part of my night so I really don't mind that at all. I wake up really hungry around 7am, but a banana or bowl of cereal is usually enough to satiate me enough to go back to sleep. My lower back has had a bit of a dull ache lately, which gets really uncomfortable sometimes, especially in the evening when it gets pretty sore, and my pelvic bone feels like it has a bowling ball resting on it sometimes. Jim can attest to the fact that my emotions are at an all-time high right now, with the smallest thing reducing me to tears. It's incredibly annoying, especially when I'm trying to say something but I'm crying and can't get it out, and don't even know why I'm crying. I'm looking forward to the day when I feel like myself again.

The baby's kicks are getting pretty intense, but except for bedtime kicking, I enjoy it alot. He has a pretty distinct pattern of waking and sleepng now, which I find fascinating. I've been getting into meditation and pranayama (yogic breathing exercises) to help prepare me for labour. I still wish I had a good prenatal yoga video to use, but they're not an easy find.

I spent hours this week researching strollers and ended up picking the Porsche of jogging strollers. It has 16" wheels, awesome shock absorption, hand and back wheel brakes, a wrist strap for hilly runs, fully reclines, can be made carseat-compatible and is meant for off-road walking and jogging. I couldn't find a single bad review of it which was the biggest seller for me. I can't wait to get out running again! I know it's going to be a very different running experience than I'm used to with a stroller in front of me, but I don't care, I know it's going to feel fantastic to pound the pavement again. I've promised Jim I'll be pacing myself and that I won't end up going race-crazy and hurting myself again which might be a hard promise to keep at times, but I know I'll be doing myself a favour by taking it slow and easy for awhile.

Well, it's time to get sewing!

28 Weeks!

Wednesday was the 28 week mark! I can't believe I only have 12 more weeks left...

The past week has been pretty uneventful pregnancy-wise. I've been doing a lot of relaxing, cooking, meditating, reading and soaking up the sun. Needless to say, life has been pretty good. I'm mentally ready for the baby to arrive now...I think 9 months is much too long to wait. I don't know who to file that complaint with though...God? Most of my annoying pregnancy symptoms have gone away, which I attribute to a ridiculously healthy diet and stress-free existence.

This week I'll be going to get my bloodwork done again to check for anaemia and whatnot, but I've been popping my B12 on a daily basis so it should be lookin' good. Not looking forward to the needle though. :(

I've been looking at cribs and various baby things lately because it's getting around to that time when we need to start purchasing, assembling and readying the baby's pad. I have a feeling he's going to be a bit early so I definitely want to be prepared. Also, I think it would be nice to sit in a rocking chair in a baby-ready room and soak in the wonderfulness for a little bit before that scene includes wailing. We're going to get pictures done at the beginning of August so there will be one more set of shots to enjoy later on. I hope I'm this diligent about keeping track of things for the rest of my offspring. Being the kid with a half-finished baby book because your parents slacked off after the first one sucks. I guess time will tell - lots and lots of time though, because I'm not doing this again for a good long while!

Not having Jim around would have to be the only down-side to the current situation. This long-distance crap is really getting old. Just seven more days until he arrives though so I know I should suck it up and remember that a lot of people have it much worse. And lucky me, I get some soap when he arrives!

Sorry I don't have much to report, but I really can't complain about not having anything to complain about.

I plan on kicking up my heels and celebrating pregnant-style when I hit 30 weeks so stay tuned!

26 Weeks!

The past few days have been pretty interesting! Jim left on Thursday morning which sucked and in the afternoon I had my first appointment with my new OB. She is really nice, and I appreciated her taking quite a bit of time to sit with me, answer all of my questions and share some of her personal experiences. She was very accepting of the way I want to do things (no drugs of any kind for any reason unless I say so) and basically, she's wonderful! She also informed me that I've lost 5 pounds since my last appointment about 2 weeks ago which made me a little worried, but after measuring my stomach and assuring me that the baby is growing according to schedule, I felt a lot better. As long as he's growing, I have no problem whatsoever with the idea of losing weight.

On Friday I found out that the baby's bassinet had arrived at Sears (thanks to some of the most wonderful girlfriends anyone could ask for!) so we went to pick it up, and I opened and assembled it as soon as we got home and I got it into the house! It is beautiful. I saw it in the catalogue, and I saw it in the store at home, but there is something different about having my own, here, sitting in the baby's room waiting for him that makes my heart sigh every time I go in there to look at it...which I do pretty often.

On Saturday I woke up at about 7am with some excruciating stomach cramps and proceeded to barf (amongst other nasty things) for the next few hours. When I realized that my barfing/cramping sessions were getting more and more frequent I started to panic a bit that something might be wrong with the baby. So, I peeled myself off of the bathroom floor, put some clothes on and went upstairs to ask Edie to drive me to the hospital. Wonderful woman that she is, she grabbed a bucket and some paper towels and kleenex and off we went! The first thing they did was send me up to maternity to make sure the baby was okay, and he was perfectly fine. Even when I was cramping he showed no signs of distress so that was a HUGE relief. Then I went back downstairs to the emergency room to wait and barf and wait and barf until finally I ran out to the bathroom to throw up only to find that it was occupied! The nearest option was outside so I ran for the door but didn't make it in time and threw up all over the floor, the door, and myself. I went into the emergency room, told the nurse that I could not sit there anymore (I'd been there for about an hour and 1/2 at this point, and the waiting time was estimated at 4 hours) especially now that I was covered in puke. To paint you a picture, my sandals were actually making squishing noises when I walked. Disgusting. Anyways, I went into the bathroom, took off my t-shirt (I had a tank-top underneath) and went outside to wait for Edie. It was humiliating. Had I known the baby was fine, I would have just stayed at home! Anyways, it turned out to be the stomach flu, so after spending the rest of the day throwing up (amongst other nasty things), sleeping, sweating, shivering and aching, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I still have a bit of an angry stomach and I'm still exhausted, but the worst is behind me and I'm hoping to wake up as my normal radiant self (HA!) in the morning.

If the past few days are any indication of what the next couple of weeks will be like, I'm sure the time will fly by, and Jim will be back in what feels like no time at all!

P.S. My stretch marks are getting worse, but my outlook is getting better!

Salt Springs!

I have been in Nova Scotia for two days now, and I am incandescently happy. The house is beautiful and comfortable (I felt at home as soon as I arrived) and the landscape is breathtaking. It's the perfect amount of quiet too. To paint you a picture, The house is on the side of a road covered on one side by trees and rolling hills and a bush on the other, and as soon as you walk in you're in a room full of plants and wicker furniture (two house must-haves in my opinion) and the best way I can describe it is 'warm and comfortable'. Outside in the front is a patio with foliage on top and comfy patio furniture, surrounded by flowers and plants, with bird feeders everywhere! I had a hummingbird not two feet from my face this morning!!! It's magical. It's a little too chilly to read outside right now, but you can bet that once the sun decides to warm my toes again, I will be living outside. Downstairs there is a rec room with comfy old furniture and big windows, and a sliding glass doors that open onto a patio below the deck upstairs, a perfect place to sit, meditate and listen to the birds chirping all around. Down the hall there are a few rooms and a bathroom, and at the end there is a big bathroom (newly renovated, which was incredibly touching), my super-comfy and beautiful bedroom (decorated from floor to ceiling in green, my favourite colour - also touching) with a big window looking into the backyard and a little one looking out to the side yard, and then across the hall from me is the baby's room. His room is painted cream and white and has patio doors opening onto a patio that is connected by a little path of patio stones to the rec room patio. I can already picture myself rocking the baby in front of the windows. And incidentally, the baby's room used to be Jim's room. I think that's magical. I've been going to bed at night listening to the frogs doing it and waking up to the singing and chirping of birds. Now if you know me at all, you know I am in heaven here.

Jim's parents are lovely, welcoming people and I know I am going to be very happy here. I can't think of a more perfect place to wait for the baby's arrival. I'm getting anxious for the weather to improve though so Jim and I can go carve out a trail to walk around the property and along the river on. I want so badly to start exploring outside, but I know I have to be a wee bit more careful than I usually would be.

At the Toronto airport there was a LUSH store, which in case you don't know is an store that sells handmade, all-natural soaps, lotions, shampoos and whatnot. I love LUSH soaps, especially their Karma soap, and so we went in to pick some up. I asked the saleswoman if they had anything for itchy bellies, and she said they have something that is perfect for pregnant women's bellies that prevents itchiness and stretch marks, and showed me this stuff called Dream Cream. It smells incredible, and is all-natural, so I told her I would get some because frankly I have been so itchy lately that I will try anything at this point. It was a whopping $25 fr a 250mL tub, but so far it's been working and the tub is recyclable, so I'm happy as a clam.

Jim and I went to the city yesterday for some maternity clothes, and I peed my pants in Old Navy! I sneezed unexpectedly, with no time to clench, and peed a little in my maternity tights. Thank goodness it was just a little and thank goodness we were clothes shopping! Needless to say, I'll be increasing my daily kegel exercises from now on. I managed to acquire all of the necessities I would need to get me through these last 3 months of pregnancy without spending a truckload of money, so I am thrilled. We also went out for dinner with Jim's nephew Winston and that was fun.

I don't know if it's the raw/vegan diet I've been on for a couple of weeks or just timing, but my heartburn is gone and I seem to have more energy! I'm going to credit my eating habits with the change. Jim has also decided to try eating raw/vegan which makes it easier not to dive into a meatlover's pizza. Today Jim is at work and I am working on finding a midwife, and if not a midwife, then an OB. Wish me luck!

In Thunder Bay...and the living's easy.

I've been in Thunder Bay for two days now, and I am incredibly relaxed and rested. Life is good.

The trip to Winnipeg was surprisingly nice. The landscape was beautiful and captured my attention for most of the ride despite the novels and SuDoku sitting untouched in my bag. I saw two moose and two wolves! I had never seen wolves before that so I was very excited! I think the bus driver mistook my excitement about the wolves for excitement about any kind of wildlife, and he therefore proceeded to wake me up every time he saw an animal on the side of the highway. It was cute, but kind of annoying since we were on the lat 4 hours of the trip and I was exhausted.

Winnipeg was awesome, and it was soooooo nice to see Joce and Jason. It had been a little over a year since I got to spend any quality time with them. Well overdue. I guess being away from good friends is a part of being an adult though...boo. Anyways, we ate at a place called Mongo's which was INCREDIBLE and officially my favourite restaurant in the world now! I got to assemble a bowl of goodies like soy beans, black beans, chick peas, bok choy, bean sprouts, peppers, tofu and rice noodles, then a whole bunch of random sauces and spices, then watched them grill it in front of me. LOVE IT! Jim arrived on Wednesday around suppertime and that was wonderful. I missed him a lot. On Thursday we went to the mall, and I got a couple of maternity wear items (ones I really like that I would have bought pre-pregnancy, which was thrilling!) and went to Build-A-Bear to assemble the cutest stuffed puppy EVER for the baby. There were so many add-on options it was overwhelming, but in the end we picked out a red handkerchief and the thing is adorable. Picturing the baby dragging it behind him by the ear makes my toes wiggle with excitement!

The drive to Thunder Bay was looooong, mostly because I was so tired, but we got to stop in Ignace and visit Rosa and Daniella which was nice. Like I told Rosa, if I can figure out how to raise our son so that he turns out as good as the Harrington kids I will be tickled pink! I guess we will wait and see...

Anyhow, while Jim is at ground school I am on my own and have been relaxing, reading, doing a little yoga, and today I'm going on a hunt for produce! Last night we went to Boston Pizza with a bunch of Jim's friends which was nice. They were all really nice people, but after two hours of sitting in a tall chair my butt and lower back hurt so much we had to check outta there! Tonight we're going to see Sex and the City, and tomorrow is Old Navy maternity section day!!! I'm excited.

Jim felt the baby kick for the first time on Wednesday, which was incredible to watch. It was so nice because it makes me sad that he has to miss out on so much of the pregnancy. Two weeks together feels like such a luxury though, so I will be relishing every minute!

Pregnancy-wise, the past few days have been good, with my only complaints being my incredibly itchy belly, and sore feet. My tootsies enjoyed a blissful foot rub from Jim last night though!

Anyhow, next time I write I'll be in Nova Scotia. Pretty exciting stuff!

Home.

Well, it's Sunday morning and I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face. I just woke up and looked around my empty room and realized that for the first time I'm leaving and I have no idea when I'll be back. I've left before, and those of you who know me well (including myself) probably knew it was just a matter of time before I left again, but this time it's different.

This time I'm embarking upon the greatest, hardest, most wonderful, rewarding and challenging thing I will ever do and I'm doing it miles and miles away from the people I love, who love me, who have raised me and shaped me into this wild crazy woman that I am. I love you all. I will especially miss you women (Mom, Auntie Laura, Auntie Debbie, Auntie Lynda and Auntie Suzie) who have taught me what it is to be a strong, caring, willful, creative, wise, loving and lovely woman. You five have taught me what it means to be a mother, and I just hope I can take all of your best qualities with me and teach my son just how valuable they are. Most girls are lucky to have one mother to raise and love them, and I was blessed with five. I am really going to miss you. You are irreplaceable to me.

I know in my heart that this is going to be the most incredibly exciting time of my life, and I am incredibly anxious to meet my son. Soon enough, I will be home and you will meet him too!

I'll be living out of my suitcase for awhile, so I don't know when I will write next, but considering all the change that is about to take place, and all of the hormones surging through my body, I'm willing to bet it will be soon...

23 Weeks!

This week has been BUSY! With volunteering, packing, seeing people to say goodbye and going to appointments I have been exhausted, but it's been a great week. I can't complain about being busy because pretty soon I will be relaxing on the beautiful Nova Scotia countryside! I can hardly wait.

Some recent developments (besides my ever-growing boobs, of course) are an extremely itchy belly, very swollen ankles and a couple of teeny tiny stretch marks under by belly button. For the tummy I've got some oatmeal, which has helped a bit. For my swollen ankles and feet my midwife recommended cucumber, watermelon and hot water with lemon. And for my stretch marks the fine ladies at the health food store suggested shea butter. Not shea butter body shop or pharmacy style, but 100% shea butter. After reading about how many harmful chemicals are in the hair and body products we use every day, I decided I would put nothing on my body unless it would be safe to eat. I figure if it's not safe to put in my body, it shouldn't be considered safe to put it on my body.

I've been eating about 65% raw for the last little bit (except for Saturday when I had a lunch and dinner date and ate whatever caught my eye...which I paid for dearly later) and have been feeling great because of it! Raw food seriously changes your life. There are a couple of articles about it on my other blog (the link to it is on my blog profile at the right side of this page) if you're interested in the most wonderful, energizing, nourishing way to eat possible!

My little boy is obviously destined to be a great soccer player because he has been kicking like a maniac! My midwife was saying at our appointment today not to be worried about not feeling the baby often, because I won't feel him daily until my 24th week. I told her I don't just feel him every day, but multiple times a day! She said active babies are healthy babies, so that was wonderfully reassuring. In fact, on Sunday night I was watching TV and my belly was popping up in the place he was kicking me. It was so thrilling that I started squealing with delight! I'm excited for Jim to be able to feel him kicking from the outside when we see eachother in a week.

I wish I could write more, but I have a lot of putting-of-stuff-into-boxes before Friday afternoon, and I plan on going to bed early because I am WIPED.

Next time I write I will either be in Winnipeg, Thunder Bay or Salt Springs, NS!

Ciao!

Big Belly Roadblock...

I thought I'd share with you two stories from today.

When Anthony got home from school this afternoon, I was napping on the couch. Obviously his entrance woke me up, and the urgent need to pee directly followed. I started trying to roll myself off the couch (grunting with effort while I did so) with Anthony watching and laughing. After a little bit I gave up on the rolling (Anthony didn't give up on the laughing) and managed to get myself upright by pulling on the top of the couch and hoisting myself up into a sitting position. I looked up at Anthony, said "I'm fat" in a dejected tone, then walked past him to the bathroom as he fell onto his knees laughing at me. He's such a nice kid.

On a more delightful note, today another volunteer at the soup kitchen looked at me and said "You really look like a mother." I was beaming for the rest of the day.

My throat is on FIRE right now.

22 Week Scare!

For the past week and 1/2 I've been doing some work for the soup kitchen and have been kind of wiped out from it, although I've enjoyed it a lot so far. So besides being tired, the past week has been alright. As mentioned in last week's blog, I decided to start doing some research on different ways of eating, exercising, meditating, etc. and have already learned so much! I've started another blog to write about all of it, partly because I want this blog to stay pregnancy-centered, and partly because I've become so obsessed with learning about this stuff that I want to be able to share it with everyone. If the topic of a healthy lifestyle interests you, I recommend checking it out, even if just to get some ideas of your own about where to start your own exploring.

Now, back to baby talk! This past week has been interesting to say the least. Heartburn rears it's ugly head on a daily basis, usually at night, which leaves me popping tums like they're candy. Most of you know how much I detest taking any kind of medicine or pain relief pills, so I haven't been happy with that. I'm looking into natural remedies for heartburn but nothing has worked to my satisfaction so far. A little bit of milk is supposed to help, but I stay away from milk because it increases inflammation, which makes my round ligament pain more pronounced. Not eating 2-3 hours before bed is supposed to help, but I've been getting really hungry before bed, and when I'm hungry I feel nauseous, so obviously I can'y sleep. Tea made with ginger root is also supposed to help, but drinking anything less than 2 hours before bed keeps me up peeing half the night. So what the heck do I do? Pop more Tums I guess. I am determined to figure this out though. Next time I'm going to try carrots. Apparently the juice from carrots is supposed to help due to their alkaline nature. It's worth a try anyways!

On Friday I barely slept at all due to heartburn, and as a result I felt really sick all day on Saturday. My morning sickness was so severe that I ended up getting burst blood vessels all around my eyes and all over my neck. They're gone now, but the one in my right eye is still there, looking nice and gross. I hope that doesn't happen again.

Yesterday afternoon I started feeling some pretty uncomfortable pain in the center of my lower abdomen, so after an hour of this I called telehealth, and they told me if it hasn't gone away within two hours, or if it gets worse I should see a doctor. So, 2 and 1/2 hours later it hadn't gone away and it had gotten worse so mom drove me down to the emergency room, where they immediately sent me up to maternity. They called my midwife, but while we were waiting for her to arrive, they took my blood pressure and decided to get a fetal heartbeat reading. My nurse basically stood there, rubbing the thingy (I don't know what it's called) all over my stomach trying to get a heartbeat but we couldn't hear anything. Needless to say, I started to freak out a little. She just kept saying "Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmm." and then left the room. At this point I burst into tears, sure that something had happened to the baby. She came back with a smaller machine, and within a few minutes we heard his heartbeat, and I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Only then did she decide to tell me that the first machine was meant for bigger babies, ones that were being monitored during labour, which is why it didn't pick up the baby's heartbeat right away. I could have strangled her.

Eventually my midwife arrived (after about 45 minutes of me listening in horror as the woman across the hall was going through scream-inducing labour!) and after asking me some questions, poking around and listening to the baby herself, assured me that this was probably a combination of the baby growing and the uterus stretching, being on my feet too much lately, not getting enough rest, and the awkward position I was standing in when I threw up in the shower on Saturday. She told me to get some rest, and gave me some ibuprofen. Then I asked for a natural remedy (I wonder how many of you are rolling your eyes?) and she said fresh pineapple and cranberry juice can help. So I picked those up, called Jim, went to bed and this morning I feel much better! I am, however, going to take her advice and rest today.

The funny thing is, when I started writing this week's blog, I actually started by saying how great this week has been. Then I started thinking about the events of the past week and had to start over. I sincerely think my threshold for pain and discomfort has reached an all-time high.

Evolution of a Blog...

This blog started out as my way of keeping family and friends posted on pregnancy details, so I wouldn't have to call everyone individually (because who has time for that?) and so that no-one would feel uninformed or left out.

It has become so much more than that to me in so little time. I look back and see that I started writing mostly about pregnancy symptoms. Then I included things I was unhappy about or excited about. Then as I really grew to love this baby more and more, I also began writing about other life events, and about my hopes and dreams. I've written about things that thrill me, and things that I find irksome. I've written about deeply personal things that I never would have shared with anyone, much less everyone who feels compelled to read this.

I have gotten so much feedback, advice and support from people and have truly appreciated it. I've rekindled some old friendships, been deeply touched that some people I thought we're out of my life due to geography, time, or just life happening actually read this on a regular basis. I find that inspiring. To know that I have a support network that spans distance and years is incredibly comforting to me, especially on the verge of a big move to a place far away from home where I know very few people.

This blog has become an outlet for me. I've been able to write when I'm happy, sad, mad, scared, euphoric and through tears of happiness and sadness - can you tell I'm emotional these days? I think it's a wonderful thing to know that if I can't sleep at 4am because I'm scared about motherhood, I can write about it, get my feelings out in the open, go back to bed and by 10am have messages of support, encouragement and understanding in my inbox to help me persevere. I love writing this blog, and I love everyone who reads it and has decided to come along for the ride with me.

Stay tuned. :)

Wake- Up Call!

Today I had another midwife appointment. Two very big things happened in this appointment.

Number one - Sharon informed me that my ultrasound indicated that the baby is Pyelectasis in one of his kidneys. Here is a link to the most informative internet article I found thus far in case you would like to know what that is, because I couldn't possibly explain it well enough.
http://www.childrensmemorial.org/depts/fetalhealth/pyelectasis.aspx

While she assured me that this usually resolves itself and isn't uncommon, especially in male fetuses, I am still worried. I get to be. It's my baby. And in the event that it doesn't resolve itself, it can cause significant kidney damage. So yes, I get to worry.

Which brings me to this other tidbit of delightfulness...I have gained 30 pounds since becoming pregnant. I wasn't very concerned about weight gain until now because although I thought I seemed to be gaining pretty quickly, I knew it was a normal healthy part of pregnancy. Since I've been eating well and getting pretty regular exercise I was sure this was just my body's way of being pregnant. No big deal.

Then I stepped on the scale at my appointment today and realized that I have gained a LOT of weight since my second trimester began, and that worries me. I told my midwife about my concerns, and while she assured me that as long as I was eating well and getting regular moderate-intensity exercise I needn't worry about it, when I said the number from the scale, her eyes widened. She tried to recover quickly, but I saw it...

On the way home my mind was overcome with negative thoughts like "What are you doing wrong?" "You must not be as healthy an eater as you think!" and "You are not giving your baby the best start possible- what is wrong with you?!"

After a much needed lie-down, my mind became a little clearer, and I started seriously evaluating my lifestyle as of late. First of all, with moving home, reconciling with Jim and working on our relationship, making plans to move to Nova Scotia, and the problems that inevitably come with living with a 12-year-old going through puberty and a 48-year-old going through menopause, I realized something. I am stressed. To the max. Stress has always been a big cause of weight gain for me, and many other human beings. And while I've done everything in my power to try and manage that stress, I'm not great at it. I'm hoping the decision to spend the rest of my pregnancy in the countryside of Nova Scotia will be one that will bring some much needed stress relief to my life. If that doesn't I don't know what will. As for Jim and I, things between us are wonderful now, with the only stressful relationship factor being that we are 14 hours apart and only see eachother for about a week every month. Nothing can be done about that, so until September comes and brings full-time Jim with it, I will just have to contiue to deal with that. And honestly, just knowing what a good place we're in right now makes even the long-distance issue seem like a small thing to deal with. It could be much worse.

Now, let's put the stress issue aside, because I am no longer one who sees a possible cause of a problem, then quickly and easily assign blame to it and move on. No, I am one to look at every possible cause or option, then think about them, read about them, learn about them (etc.) until I know what course of action to take. I think impending motherhood has caused this change in my way of thinking and decision making. And while I've always enjoyed being carefree and somewhat reckless, the change is a welcome one.

I have always been suspicious of what modern health officials have to say about what constitutes healthy eating and what doesn't. Ever since I reached an age where I began to get to know myself and question things, diet has always been an area of interest and experimentation. I have always had a gut feeling that eating animals and their bi-products is not only wrong, but seriously unhealthy. And I have to note that the biggest diet change I've made since becoming pregnant is dramatically increasing the amount of meat and dairy I consume.

I've been a lover of veggies and fruit for a few years now (thank goodness, because that might have been a hard habit to pick up quickly) so I know I get enough of that goodness, but because I don't feel I know enough about veganism to nourish my baby adequately if I stopped consuming animal products, I haven't tried. Instead, I have consumed huge amounts of animal products in an effort to efficiently and easily get the nutrients that baby books and north American doctors recommend for pregnant women. I have a nagging feeling that in doing so, I have unconsciously made myself less healthy than I was pre-pregnancy. This makes me wonder why, after years of honing my personal diet preferences and learning by experimentation what makes me feel good inside and out, I would scrap my personal beliefs about healthy eating and blindly follow the advice of the general public, and of books written by and for (for the most part, I'm not trying to pigeon-hole here) people who see nothing wrong with eating animal products.

I have decided to do a serious lifestyle overhaul. Being pregnant, this means I will start first by reading. I wouldn't be so reckless and selfish as to learn by experimentation when my baby's health is at stake. I am going to read and solicit advice on such topics as diet, prenatal exercise, media influence on stress levels and meditation. I want to learn (take a deep breath, because this is heavy) simply put, the best way to live. Obviously that will have to mean the best way to live in North America, because if the best way to live is to be self-sustaining and live in a yurt in the middle of a field with a pet goat and deliver my baby myself, I will be biting off more than I can chew, and guarantee-ing my kid gets picked on hardcore come public school.

Honestly though, what better time to really figure out what the best ways to eat, exercise, spend free time and relax are? And if the worst possible outcome is that I have to change some things about how I live, then what the heck am I waiting for? I've already changed my eating habits, my exercise habits, my plans for the future and my priorities. What have I got to lose?

It's a boy! And he's perfect.

Today was my ultrasound, and it was such a wonderful experience. I saw his perfect little feet, with his 10 perfect little toes, and I lost all self-control. I cried like a little baby. When the technician told me we were having a boy, I was so happy. I actually squealed. I am on top of the moon. Here's a picture of our beautiful baby boy.

20 weeks!

Hello again!

This past week has been a really good one. Either I am finally getting used to being pregnant (and it's about time!) or pregnancy really is getting easier...or both. I don't have a whole lot to report in terms of changes or symptoms this week. Sleep is getting easier. I think that's because I have been skipping my mid-day naps, so when I go to bed at night I am truly exhausted and sleep much more solidly. I'm peeing pretty often, which is still extremely annoying. I actually peed my pants last week due to a big sneeze...and I'm not talking about a trickle, I fully wet myself. Morning sickness seems to be going away though...I only throw up about once a week, when I wake up really hungry.

I can't get enough of corn on the cob. I loved it pre-pregnancy so I'm glad it's finally back in the grocery store. I ate corn on the cob en masse with shrimp for dinner the other night - heaven. Now that I'm thinking about it I may even walk over to the grocery store and get some for an afternoon snack. Mmmmmm.

I've been pretty absent-minded lately. Auntie Laura calls it 'placenta-brain'. I forget what I'm saying mid-sentence, forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it, and say things that sound like complete nonsense on occasion. I end sentences with "I don't know why I just said that" pretty often. I think it's kind of funny though...as long as it ends when the baby arrives. I don't want to have to say that pregnancy made me permanently stupid.

The baby is moving a LOT, which thrills me. I can finally feel movement from the outside, which is really exciting. I am pretty anxious for Jim to feel the baby for the first time. 28 more days until we reunite!

My 3rd ultrasound (I have to get another one done because the last one wasn't readable) is tomorrow, and I couldn't be more excited. I scheduled this one at the Doctor's Building downtown instead of the Group Health Center so their pesky 'only your doctor can tell you the sex' rule won't bite me in the ass again.

I will be leaving Sault Ste. Marie in less than three weeks...a fact that is as exciting as it is nerve-wracking. I am really excited to be in Winnipeg for some quality Jocelyne time. Maternity clothes-shopping, build-a-bear-ing and just being someplace different will be really fun. It also means I will be just a week away from seeing Jim again. It's actually painful how much I miss him. Only four more months of long-distance until this garbage-ey situation is over with.

It's now less than a month until I will be in Nova Scotia, and I am terribly excited. I love love love the country, and can think of no better place to spend the remainder of my pregnancy. I'm so looking forward to some peace and quiet. I'm also very eager to meet Jim's family and see where he grew up. Pregnancy has left my wardrobe pretty sparse, which for once in my life I consider a good thing, because packing won't be a problem!

Well, I think it's time for a walk...it's a beautiful day today. :)

Maybe tomorrow I can finally post the sex of the baby...stay tuned!

Almost over the hump!

So...I've survived my first 'about-to-be-a-parent' freak-out session. Many thanks to everyone who sent messages of support and encouragement, I really appreciated that. I was in a state of panic for the entire day after I wrote, until I spoke to Jim late that evening. I'm sure I will have more times of uncertainty and doubt, but knowing that all of you other mothers out there went through the same thing and lived to tell the tale is comforting. It's also comforting to know that at the end of all this, I'll be cradling our beautiful baby. For the past couple of days, whenever I feel panic threaten to rise again, all it takes is a little kick from the baby to calm me down. Almost as if the tiny person inside me is giving me a nudge, reminding me of how much I love him or her already...and really, when I love someone this much, how can the experience be anything but wonderful and rewarding?

5am Freakout

It's 5:39am. I've been up since 4. I am currently in the throes of what is possibly the worst freak-out session of my life.

It started when I got up to pee, then got back into bed and started worrying that my boobs will look like tube socks a year from now. That led to me worrying if Jim will still find me attractive if that happens...then what if the pressure of being thrown into parenthood before both of us were really ready will put too much stress on our relationship...then what if Jim and I don't work out...then what if I am dealing with heartbreak and raising a baby single at the same time...then what if Jim and I are fine, but I always miss the days when I was free and unencumbered by children and commitment...then what if I look back and say what I have always dreaded saying, which is"What if?"

I'm scared. What if I'm a bad mother? What if my son or daughter grows up to hate me? What if I'm responsible for a life that could have been wonderful, but did it all wrong? What if all parents-to-be don't go through this period of doubt and I'm actually just a horrible selfish person?

I have a feeling that this is due to the fact that my life is about to change dramatically and will never be the same, and this is the result: me laying in bed typing furiously and eating animal crackers to keep from barfing while tears stream down my face.

I hope this doesn't make you all think I'm a nut. Feedback and stories of personal experiences are incredibly welcome in this area.

Week 19 ...almost over the hump!

Well, this week has been a fun, exciting, tiring and interesting one. Grab some popcorn!

First things first, Jim arrived on Sunday (he surprised me by coming a day early!) and just left this evening. We had four days together of relaxing, eating, walking, movie-watching, talking, ultrasound-ing, decision making and thoroughly enjoying the time we had together. It was wonderful. He arrived Sunday evening and we ordered pizza and spent the night talking and relaxing. On Monday we went to the island so Jim could experience the deliciousness of Gilbertson's. Afterwards we explored the island for awhile, during which time Jim gave me a nice driving lesson and I didn't kill a single squirrel or mailbox. We went to Solo for dinner. On Tuesday we took a walk in Hiawatha, went to the ultrasound (details further down) then to dinner at North 82, where Jim met my closest friends (those who reside in the Sault, of course). Afterwards we rented a movie and went to bed! On Wednesday we went to the mall so Jim could buy some jeans and so I could use the public washroom a couple times and eat gelato! We went to Bellevue Park for a walk after that and enjoyed the ducks and the arboretum. After that we went to Churchill Plaza for some bowling with Mom and Anthony. That was fun. Anthony wowed us all by getting 3 strikes in a row! Jim won both games. I didn't suck too bad at it either. After that we watched the rest of the movie from the night before and Jim got me some late night McDonalds, which then tortured my insides for the rest of the night. Today we slept in, checked out late and went for a drive to Batchewana Bay where Jim chatted up a store owner while I peed. Then we got a snack and drove to a dock and talked while we watched a water bomber practice in the bay. When we got back to town we went to the Steamy Bean for a cup of tea and then said our goodbyes. I didn't like that last bit. That, in a nutshell, was Jim's magical visit. I miss him already.

Now for the ultrasound! As you all know, I was very excited to find out the baby's gender. However, I was deeply disappointed to find out that at the Group Health Center, they aren't allowed to tell you! At the Doctor's building they are. Apparently I picked the wrong place to have my ultrasound! Therefore, I currently still do not know the sex of the baby, and have to wait until my midwives appointment on May 5th for that information. Not happy. Otherwise, the ultrasound was fun. We got to see the baby move around and got THREE new in-utero pictures of our little kicker.

While Jim was here we also made some decisions about where I would be for the remainder of my pregnancy, where the baby would be born and where we would be living for at least the first few months of parenthood. We had been considering my coming up to Sioux Lookout for a couple of months, then coming home for awhile, then going to Nova Scotia for the birth. However, because it is nearly impossible to find a place for us in Sioux and switching prenatal care twice in the next four months would be a huge pain, we decided that I will be going to Nova Scotia for the remainder of my pregnancy and staying with Jim's parents. Jim will be able to take his days off in Halifax, instead of spending huge amounts of money traveling here and paying for hotels and food. So we will still see eachother regularly until he takes his maternity leave. Jim's parents live in a big house in the country and he assures me that it is the most relaxing place I could hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy. I'm really excited to meet his family too. So at the end of this month, I will be going to Winnipeg to visit Jocelyne and Jason, then flying from Winnipeg to Toronto on June 1st, where Jim and I will rendezvous and go to Nova Scotia together.

Technology is a marvelous thing, and because of telephones, e-mail, and Skype (a computer program with which you can have video conversations from computer to computer for free), anyone who wants to will be able to see me and the baby, and I will make a visit back to the Sault as soon as money and time permit it.

I'm emotionally and physically spent from the past four days, and I am now going to bed.

Much love,

Kim

Photoshoot with Miguel!

Yesterday Miguel and I did the photoshoot we've been planning. Miguel wanted each picture to tell a story. I think the pictures really show what attributes and feelings are invoked during pregnancy. I love love love them. Miguel did an awesome job!

I was looking at them and I started to cry thinking about what an awesome gift this will make for our baby someday. Of all the pictures taken of me during pregnancy I plan on picking one and having it framed for the baby's room. Anyways, enjoy!

New Rule

Please don't touch my belly without asking. I don't like it.

Thanks.

17 weeks!

This past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me! I'm still enjoying my surplus energy, and I've slept through the night a couple of times. I also started going to the gym in addition to walking and it's been nice to switch things up a bit. I also got a prenatal yoga video from my midwife, which makes things alot easier because I have someone to follow, and because there are 3 women doing the poses according to which trimester they're in. That way there's no worries about whether you're doing too much or could be doing more. I read this past week that women who did yoga during pregnancy had an easier birthing experience than those who spent an equal amount of time walking every day, so I'm definitely going to keep it up!

Now for the not-so-wonderful aspects of the past week - morning sickness is beginning to get on my nerves. I appreciate that I only vomit once a day (usually) in the morning, then go on with business as usual. However, the past few mornings I haven't wanted to get out of bed because I know that as soon as I get upright I'm going to vomit. As Miguel would say, I am an excellent avoider. Therefore, instead of getting up, I will lay in bed watching TV and feeling extremely nauseous in order to put off the inevitable barfing sessions. I've tried many things to settle my stomach, from crackers to fig newtons, but it all comes up anyways. I am determined not to take any kind of medication though, so I will stick it out to the bitter end. And for those of you who don't know why I don't want to take medication for nausea even though it's 100% safe for the baby, it's because I don't like taking medicine. I believe that pretty much any symptom we experience can be cured through proper diet and exercise. I don't care if you think I'm a granola-head.

Round ligament pain is also kicking my butt these days. It is in no way an exaggeration when people say it can feel like appendicitis on both sides of your abdomen. It HURTS. My midwife explained that because your ligaments (which are usually about 4 inches long-ish) are growing to support a uterus that grows to 500x it's normal size, it only makes sense that they're going to hurt. To prove my 'there-are-natural-remedies-for-every-ailment' theory, I've been taking lukewarm baths and drinking smoothies with flaxseed oil in them to alleviate the pain. So far so good. I've also been replacing some of my daily calcium intake from milk (which doesn't help the inflammation) to walnuts. Had I realized I could do that in the first place I would have because I am very skeptical about milk and think it's weird that we drink it. (Have you ever seen a cow drinking human breastmilk? No. My point exactly.) Anyways, the pain has lessened exponentially. Victory.

Now for 'restless leg syndrome'. It doesn't sound too bad, but when you're trying to sleep it is unbelievably annoying! So I waddled down to the health food store to get some Passion Flower tea, which is supposed to help, and while it does help a lot, it is really, reeeeallly gross. Anthony smelled it a couple of nights ago and made a face. I told him to drink some. No dice. Even with honey it's nasty. This is an example of when the natural remedy is kind of a pain in the ass. Ah well.

I struggle on a daily basis with the "would a mom do this" question. I've told Jim to keep a close eye on me in this area, because I find myself making decisions on what to do, wear, listen to, watch, etc. based on whether I think it's suitable for a mother. Now admittedly, there are obvious things I shouldn't do. Tanning (in a bed or airbrush-style) seems wildly retarded to me now. Not only is it a waste of my time and money, but it's incredibly shallow and dangerous. I don't want to leave my child motherless because I needed to have a 'nice healthy glow' and got skin cancer. For those of you who tan - good for you. I'm not judging. I'm just saying it's one of those habits I'm kicking, especially because it flies in the face of my wholesome living philosophy. I'm sure I'll get a nice tan this summer the right way, from spending time outside. Another thing I won't do is go hang out in a bar. It just feels wrong. Not only that, but watching friends drink beer and shoot pool is depressing. I hate pool, so my nice big glass of orange juice doesn't make it fun the way a martini can. What I'm getting at is that while there are things I won't do anymore (or some just while I'm pregnant) there is no need for me to lose myself and my individuality because it doesn't fit with the traditional 'mom' image. I have to remind myself of that daily. Otherwise, it's a slippery slope to the minivan-driving, sweater-set wearing, Kenny-G loving life. And while that makes some people happy (and again, not judging) it is really not me. I want to be the same fun, silly and spontaneous person I've always been...but maybe just a little less unpredictable.

Our anatomy ultrasound is quickly approaching on the calendar, and I am very excited. Not only because that means Jim will be here soon (9 days, but who's counting?) but also that we can finally call our baby by a name (once we pick one) and buy gender-specific clothes, and get even more excited - although I don't know how much more excited I can possibly get! The ultrasound is on the 20th at 2:00 and afterwards we will be having dinner with some of my close friends and sharing the big news! I really hope the baby spreads 'em so we can see the goods, otherwise I will be seriously bummed.

Speaking of which, I am getting mighty tired of people telling me things I don't need to hear. For example, I don't want to know that you didn't find out the sex of your baby until lyour 34th week because they couldn't get a good enough look. I also don't want to know that you were in labour for a week. I don't want to hear that you had stretch marks like a zebra or that you know that what I'm currently experiencing "must be awful, but you should hear what my friend Louanne had to go through!" I appreciate that many women have been pregnant before me, and many more will be pregnant after me. I appreciate that my pregnancy thus far has been blessedly complication-free. I appreciate that I am incredibly lucky to be pregnant at all! However, saving your horror stories until after I give birth would be great. Right now, when I say how enormous I feel, I need to hear something along the lines of "Yeah, that must be hard." or "I know how you feel. I felt like a whale." or "Kim, you are incandescently beautiful, and an extra 30 pounds is just 30 more pounds of beautiful." What I don't need to hear is "HA! This is nothing...it's just the beginning sucker!"

On that note, I would like to say that I am very grateful for all the support you've showered on me. I am so thankful for the advice I've been given (when solicited) and the encouragement and well-wishes. It makes me so happy to know that so many people are reading this blog and sharing a little piece of this experience with me. You are the ones who get to tell the baby "I knew you when you were still in the womb. You really kicked your mom's butt!" I love you all, and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!

Now it's feeding time - a pregnancy ritual that makes me truly happy.

:)

16 weeks!

Pregnancy has been bliss lately. I have a good deal of my energy back, and so long as I don't try to stay up for more than 10 hours I can go all day without a nap! Granted, I'm really grumpy by hour 7 or 8, but if I need to, I can skip nap time. I feel so free! I've noticed how much hungrier I am lately, which makes sense since I'm growing a human, but oddly enough all I want is wholesome food. I'm pretty glad about that since usually when I'm hungry it's easier to grab quick, not so wholesome snacks. I think the baby is controlling my mind.

The past couple of mornings I've been vomiting as soon as I've woken up, so I called my midwife this morning to ask if I should be worried. She asked me how far along I was and I told her 16 weeks. She then informed me that some unlucky women have their morning sickness return at around 16 weeks! I was so relieved that it wasn't anything serious that I don't really even mind. I've done the morning sickness thing, I can handle it. And besides, so far it's just when I wake up and then I've been fine for the rest of the day. I really don't mind starting the day with a nice vomit session!

Jim will be here in a couple of weeks for the baby's next ultrasound, and I'm excited for another visit and another baby sighting! I really hope we can tell from the ultrasound what the baby is. I've been doing as much 'practice' with ultrasound pictures online as I can, but we may just end up having to wait a few days to find out the sex. We're both hoping for a girl. :)

I've been going for long walks every day and my legs and feet are SORE. That seemed pretty weird to me since I have pretty strong legs from running so I looked in my book (The Mother of All Pregnancy Books - aka. my pregnancy bible) and it informed me that because my muscles are relaxing in preparation for the baby, it's normal to be pretty sore. I still have so much to learn! I catch myself thinking that because something hasn't happened to me yet, it isn't going to. And one by one, those things have started happening (hemorrhoids), or aren't far off from happening (swollen feet and ankles) so from now on I'm not going to assume I'm immune to anything.

I've come a long way in the past week with the body image issue. I haven't had a problem with body image for a long time, so I hated feeling so gross. After talking to Jim about it (I think it really helped to let it all out) and really monitoring my thoughts I've started to realize that pregnancy is indeed beautiful, and I should be enjoying this amazing time and appreciating my body's incredible ability to be doing what it's doing. So when I catch myself feeling self-conscious, I just remind myself "Hey! You're pregnant! Give yourself a break!" And as far as I'm concerned if anyone is stupid enough to think I carry all my weight in my stomach, then they probably shouldn't reproduce.

Well, it's bedtime for grumpy Kim. Thanks for reading!

By the way, this post is dedicated to Serena. :)

Tap. Tap.

Yesterday morning I felt the baby kick for the first time! It felt like being tapped lightly, as if the baby was saying "Excuse me, I'm in here. Just thought I would remind you." I love it! I wouldn't mind being kicked repeatedly (by the baby) every day for the next 25 weeks.

I've been doing some yoga and it's really calming and feels great. The thought of stretching freaked me out a little at first because whenever I make a wrong move too fast I feel like my uterus is ripping open - not fun. Yoga has always made me feel great though so I think if I just proceed carefully and do modified poses I can get all the stress-relieving goodness I've been missing out on.

I'm still having a really hard time with the whole weight gain situation. I've been reading articles and looking at pictures of pregnant women trying to get the "pregnancy is beautiful" feeling to rub off on me. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much, but it really does. I will never be one of those mothers who eats little enough that she doesn't gain much weight and ends up with an underweight baby for the sake of her self-image. I will keep doing what's best for the baby, but hopefully soon I will start to like it. I miss feeling beautiful. :(

I've been singing to the baby a lot lately because of all the articles I've been reading about babies being able to hear and recognize their parent's voices. I think that is a beautiful thing. I can't wait to hold the baby and talk to, sing to and play with him or her. I had my first positive baby dream two nights ago. It was a girl, beautiful and chubby-cheeked with brown hair. Every baby-related dream I've had so far has been a miscarriage dream so it was a nice change!

Well, it's a beautiful day out and time for a walk! Thanks for reading!

Smooth Sailing!

Well, my second trimester has arrived and life is sweet. Nausea is long gone, my energy has returned somewhat and except for my aversion to eggs and chicken, food doesn't seem to be a problem.

Some changes I've noticed are more frequent headaches - which I will take over vomiting any day of the week! - and my sense of smell is insane! I can smell cologne from a block away, and Bella couldn't smell worse if you ask me, but Mom and Anthony don't seem to notice. One really weird thing about my nose is that every kind of dough I've made (pizza, pita, bread) smells like fruit salad!

My first midwife appointment last week was great! Her office was bright, colourful and comfortable and she was friendly and open. It was exactly the kind of personal experience I was looking for. I'm looking forward to seeing her again next month.

Jim is coming to visit tomorrow, and I'm very excited to see him!

Now I have to go clean the bathroom. :)

Fertility Goddess or Friggin' Cow?

Aloha everyone!

A few nights ago I was talking to Jim and he asked if I've been taking pictures of the belly, to which I replied (slightly horrified) that I absolutely was not because I feel enormous and disgusting. I am simply not one of those women who feel beautiful and mystically wonderful, like they could jump from roof to roof in a neighborhood of rice paper houses. I feel like something more akin to the anvil they drop on Wile E. Coyote's head in the road runner cartoons. So no, I hadn't been taking any pictures of myself lately.

After that conversation I got to thinking that while I feel odiously huge right now, when this is all over and I have a beautiful baby and (someday) my figure back, I will probably wish I had taken some pictures of the whole expansion process. So last night, I did. And in case you haven't put two and two together yet (and if you haven't I hope my baby turns out smarter than you) the picture above is my belly. My belly. My belly. MY belly.

When I looked at the picture I was shocked. Startled. Aghast. That is MY belly? You see, I have been avoiding looking at my side profile in mirrors lately so looking at the picture - especially after I cut my head out of it (due to an unsightly mess above my neck) - and realizing it looked like it could be anyone's body was quite an awakening. This baby is in my stomach, not floating around in the secret magical realm of fetuses but in my stomach, growing at an alarming rate. As am I. This is going to take some getting used to.

Although the thought of being pregnant and becoming a mother no longer freaks me out, looking at this picture freaks me out. I'm going to have to look at my side profile regularly from now on to avoid a repeat occurrence of this event.

So, enjoy the picture, and also please enjoy having control over your body. :)

Lastly, I would like you all to know that nothing would please me more than to have the baby come out with Auntie Laura's head.