Almost over the hump!

So...I've survived my first 'about-to-be-a-parent' freak-out session. Many thanks to everyone who sent messages of support and encouragement, I really appreciated that. I was in a state of panic for the entire day after I wrote, until I spoke to Jim late that evening. I'm sure I will have more times of uncertainty and doubt, but knowing that all of you other mothers out there went through the same thing and lived to tell the tale is comforting. It's also comforting to know that at the end of all this, I'll be cradling our beautiful baby. For the past couple of days, whenever I feel panic threaten to rise again, all it takes is a little kick from the baby to calm me down. Almost as if the tiny person inside me is giving me a nudge, reminding me of how much I love him or her already...and really, when I love someone this much, how can the experience be anything but wonderful and rewarding?

5am Freakout

It's 5:39am. I've been up since 4. I am currently in the throes of what is possibly the worst freak-out session of my life.

It started when I got up to pee, then got back into bed and started worrying that my boobs will look like tube socks a year from now. That led to me worrying if Jim will still find me attractive if that happens...then what if the pressure of being thrown into parenthood before both of us were really ready will put too much stress on our relationship...then what if Jim and I don't work out...then what if I am dealing with heartbreak and raising a baby single at the same time...then what if Jim and I are fine, but I always miss the days when I was free and unencumbered by children and commitment...then what if I look back and say what I have always dreaded saying, which is"What if?"

I'm scared. What if I'm a bad mother? What if my son or daughter grows up to hate me? What if I'm responsible for a life that could have been wonderful, but did it all wrong? What if all parents-to-be don't go through this period of doubt and I'm actually just a horrible selfish person?

I have a feeling that this is due to the fact that my life is about to change dramatically and will never be the same, and this is the result: me laying in bed typing furiously and eating animal crackers to keep from barfing while tears stream down my face.

I hope this doesn't make you all think I'm a nut. Feedback and stories of personal experiences are incredibly welcome in this area.

Week 19 ...almost over the hump!

Well, this week has been a fun, exciting, tiring and interesting one. Grab some popcorn!

First things first, Jim arrived on Sunday (he surprised me by coming a day early!) and just left this evening. We had four days together of relaxing, eating, walking, movie-watching, talking, ultrasound-ing, decision making and thoroughly enjoying the time we had together. It was wonderful. He arrived Sunday evening and we ordered pizza and spent the night talking and relaxing. On Monday we went to the island so Jim could experience the deliciousness of Gilbertson's. Afterwards we explored the island for awhile, during which time Jim gave me a nice driving lesson and I didn't kill a single squirrel or mailbox. We went to Solo for dinner. On Tuesday we took a walk in Hiawatha, went to the ultrasound (details further down) then to dinner at North 82, where Jim met my closest friends (those who reside in the Sault, of course). Afterwards we rented a movie and went to bed! On Wednesday we went to the mall so Jim could buy some jeans and so I could use the public washroom a couple times and eat gelato! We went to Bellevue Park for a walk after that and enjoyed the ducks and the arboretum. After that we went to Churchill Plaza for some bowling with Mom and Anthony. That was fun. Anthony wowed us all by getting 3 strikes in a row! Jim won both games. I didn't suck too bad at it either. After that we watched the rest of the movie from the night before and Jim got me some late night McDonalds, which then tortured my insides for the rest of the night. Today we slept in, checked out late and went for a drive to Batchewana Bay where Jim chatted up a store owner while I peed. Then we got a snack and drove to a dock and talked while we watched a water bomber practice in the bay. When we got back to town we went to the Steamy Bean for a cup of tea and then said our goodbyes. I didn't like that last bit. That, in a nutshell, was Jim's magical visit. I miss him already.

Now for the ultrasound! As you all know, I was very excited to find out the baby's gender. However, I was deeply disappointed to find out that at the Group Health Center, they aren't allowed to tell you! At the Doctor's building they are. Apparently I picked the wrong place to have my ultrasound! Therefore, I currently still do not know the sex of the baby, and have to wait until my midwives appointment on May 5th for that information. Not happy. Otherwise, the ultrasound was fun. We got to see the baby move around and got THREE new in-utero pictures of our little kicker.

While Jim was here we also made some decisions about where I would be for the remainder of my pregnancy, where the baby would be born and where we would be living for at least the first few months of parenthood. We had been considering my coming up to Sioux Lookout for a couple of months, then coming home for awhile, then going to Nova Scotia for the birth. However, because it is nearly impossible to find a place for us in Sioux and switching prenatal care twice in the next four months would be a huge pain, we decided that I will be going to Nova Scotia for the remainder of my pregnancy and staying with Jim's parents. Jim will be able to take his days off in Halifax, instead of spending huge amounts of money traveling here and paying for hotels and food. So we will still see eachother regularly until he takes his maternity leave. Jim's parents live in a big house in the country and he assures me that it is the most relaxing place I could hope to spend the remainder of my pregnancy. I'm really excited to meet his family too. So at the end of this month, I will be going to Winnipeg to visit Jocelyne and Jason, then flying from Winnipeg to Toronto on June 1st, where Jim and I will rendezvous and go to Nova Scotia together.

Technology is a marvelous thing, and because of telephones, e-mail, and Skype (a computer program with which you can have video conversations from computer to computer for free), anyone who wants to will be able to see me and the baby, and I will make a visit back to the Sault as soon as money and time permit it.

I'm emotionally and physically spent from the past four days, and I am now going to bed.

Much love,

Kim

Photoshoot with Miguel!

Yesterday Miguel and I did the photoshoot we've been planning. Miguel wanted each picture to tell a story. I think the pictures really show what attributes and feelings are invoked during pregnancy. I love love love them. Miguel did an awesome job!

I was looking at them and I started to cry thinking about what an awesome gift this will make for our baby someday. Of all the pictures taken of me during pregnancy I plan on picking one and having it framed for the baby's room. Anyways, enjoy!

New Rule

Please don't touch my belly without asking. I don't like it.

Thanks.

17 weeks!

This past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me! I'm still enjoying my surplus energy, and I've slept through the night a couple of times. I also started going to the gym in addition to walking and it's been nice to switch things up a bit. I also got a prenatal yoga video from my midwife, which makes things alot easier because I have someone to follow, and because there are 3 women doing the poses according to which trimester they're in. That way there's no worries about whether you're doing too much or could be doing more. I read this past week that women who did yoga during pregnancy had an easier birthing experience than those who spent an equal amount of time walking every day, so I'm definitely going to keep it up!

Now for the not-so-wonderful aspects of the past week - morning sickness is beginning to get on my nerves. I appreciate that I only vomit once a day (usually) in the morning, then go on with business as usual. However, the past few mornings I haven't wanted to get out of bed because I know that as soon as I get upright I'm going to vomit. As Miguel would say, I am an excellent avoider. Therefore, instead of getting up, I will lay in bed watching TV and feeling extremely nauseous in order to put off the inevitable barfing sessions. I've tried many things to settle my stomach, from crackers to fig newtons, but it all comes up anyways. I am determined not to take any kind of medication though, so I will stick it out to the bitter end. And for those of you who don't know why I don't want to take medication for nausea even though it's 100% safe for the baby, it's because I don't like taking medicine. I believe that pretty much any symptom we experience can be cured through proper diet and exercise. I don't care if you think I'm a granola-head.

Round ligament pain is also kicking my butt these days. It is in no way an exaggeration when people say it can feel like appendicitis on both sides of your abdomen. It HURTS. My midwife explained that because your ligaments (which are usually about 4 inches long-ish) are growing to support a uterus that grows to 500x it's normal size, it only makes sense that they're going to hurt. To prove my 'there-are-natural-remedies-for-every-ailment' theory, I've been taking lukewarm baths and drinking smoothies with flaxseed oil in them to alleviate the pain. So far so good. I've also been replacing some of my daily calcium intake from milk (which doesn't help the inflammation) to walnuts. Had I realized I could do that in the first place I would have because I am very skeptical about milk and think it's weird that we drink it. (Have you ever seen a cow drinking human breastmilk? No. My point exactly.) Anyways, the pain has lessened exponentially. Victory.

Now for 'restless leg syndrome'. It doesn't sound too bad, but when you're trying to sleep it is unbelievably annoying! So I waddled down to the health food store to get some Passion Flower tea, which is supposed to help, and while it does help a lot, it is really, reeeeallly gross. Anthony smelled it a couple of nights ago and made a face. I told him to drink some. No dice. Even with honey it's nasty. This is an example of when the natural remedy is kind of a pain in the ass. Ah well.

I struggle on a daily basis with the "would a mom do this" question. I've told Jim to keep a close eye on me in this area, because I find myself making decisions on what to do, wear, listen to, watch, etc. based on whether I think it's suitable for a mother. Now admittedly, there are obvious things I shouldn't do. Tanning (in a bed or airbrush-style) seems wildly retarded to me now. Not only is it a waste of my time and money, but it's incredibly shallow and dangerous. I don't want to leave my child motherless because I needed to have a 'nice healthy glow' and got skin cancer. For those of you who tan - good for you. I'm not judging. I'm just saying it's one of those habits I'm kicking, especially because it flies in the face of my wholesome living philosophy. I'm sure I'll get a nice tan this summer the right way, from spending time outside. Another thing I won't do is go hang out in a bar. It just feels wrong. Not only that, but watching friends drink beer and shoot pool is depressing. I hate pool, so my nice big glass of orange juice doesn't make it fun the way a martini can. What I'm getting at is that while there are things I won't do anymore (or some just while I'm pregnant) there is no need for me to lose myself and my individuality because it doesn't fit with the traditional 'mom' image. I have to remind myself of that daily. Otherwise, it's a slippery slope to the minivan-driving, sweater-set wearing, Kenny-G loving life. And while that makes some people happy (and again, not judging) it is really not me. I want to be the same fun, silly and spontaneous person I've always been...but maybe just a little less unpredictable.

Our anatomy ultrasound is quickly approaching on the calendar, and I am very excited. Not only because that means Jim will be here soon (9 days, but who's counting?) but also that we can finally call our baby by a name (once we pick one) and buy gender-specific clothes, and get even more excited - although I don't know how much more excited I can possibly get! The ultrasound is on the 20th at 2:00 and afterwards we will be having dinner with some of my close friends and sharing the big news! I really hope the baby spreads 'em so we can see the goods, otherwise I will be seriously bummed.

Speaking of which, I am getting mighty tired of people telling me things I don't need to hear. For example, I don't want to know that you didn't find out the sex of your baby until lyour 34th week because they couldn't get a good enough look. I also don't want to know that you were in labour for a week. I don't want to hear that you had stretch marks like a zebra or that you know that what I'm currently experiencing "must be awful, but you should hear what my friend Louanne had to go through!" I appreciate that many women have been pregnant before me, and many more will be pregnant after me. I appreciate that my pregnancy thus far has been blessedly complication-free. I appreciate that I am incredibly lucky to be pregnant at all! However, saving your horror stories until after I give birth would be great. Right now, when I say how enormous I feel, I need to hear something along the lines of "Yeah, that must be hard." or "I know how you feel. I felt like a whale." or "Kim, you are incandescently beautiful, and an extra 30 pounds is just 30 more pounds of beautiful." What I don't need to hear is "HA! This is nothing...it's just the beginning sucker!"

On that note, I would like to say that I am very grateful for all the support you've showered on me. I am so thankful for the advice I've been given (when solicited) and the encouragement and well-wishes. It makes me so happy to know that so many people are reading this blog and sharing a little piece of this experience with me. You are the ones who get to tell the baby "I knew you when you were still in the womb. You really kicked your mom's butt!" I love you all, and I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it!

Now it's feeding time - a pregnancy ritual that makes me truly happy.

:)