As of yesterday, I am one month away from my due date (which I guess means today I'm less than a month away...) and I am thrilled. As magical *cough* and beautiful *cough cough* and truly magnificent *aaaahem* as pregnancy is, I seriously CAN NOT WAIT for it to be over! I want my body to be my own again. I want to be able to run and bend, and even just roll over in bed again! There are so many things I'm looking forward to being able to do again, and so many things I'm looking forward to not doing anymore (like peeing 30 times a day and having to sleep with 7 pillows arranged all around me) but the thing I am most looking forward to is the precious little human I get to love and hold and nurture.
It's so common to hear that women can't wait to 'meet' their babies, and I also can't wait for the moment I see him for the first time, but I already feel like I know him. After all, he's the little man I sing to in the mornings when I wake up and feel him start to squirm around inside. He's the little guy who affects every food and drink choice I make because I know those choices affect him too, the one who has taught me so much already about taking life as it comes and learning to roll with the punches (and kicks!) that come my way. He's the little guy who I tell to knock it off when I feel a foot creeping up into my ribs, and the one I feel sorry for when I notice burst blood vessels all over my belly because there is no more room in there! I'm anxious to hold him, nurse him, bathe him, feel his breath on my chest and his fingers wrap around mine, but I wouldn't say I'm anxious to 'meet' him. We're already old pals.
As my due date comes nearer and nearer I can't help but think about all of the things I'm excited for, but also the things I'm nervous about. What if my obsession with a healthy lifestyle makes him stand out like a sore thumb at school? Nobody is going to trade a toasted avocado sandwich on ezekiel bread for a snack pack! What if my love and patience wears thin and I lose my cool and make him cry? What if we have money problems and he has to go without something? What if I don't do a good enough job instilling the values and morals I place so much importance on and he ends up taking a wrong path? What if I can't accept that he has to make his own mistakes and follow his own path when the time comes? And what will I do on the day that will inevitably come, when he realizes I am not perfect, I don't have it all figured out, and I make bad choices sometimes too? All of these things run through my head constantly, leaving me feeling more than a little overwhelmed.
While I worry about the future, I also look forward to it. I wonder what kinds of things he will teach me, and how I will see things through a new set of eyes. I wonder how I will react in certain situations and how I will manage the stress of being a mother at the same time as I am deciding what to do career-wise. I'm so lucky to have the partner I have in Jim. In the situations where I need to do some work, he's got it figured out, and vice versa. So many people don't have that and I am seriously grateful. The fact that I will be able to hand him the baby and say "mom needs to go for a run" and know that he gets it is a huge comfort. Having someone to lean on is an incredible gift, and I never realized until I was faced with the reality of motherhood just how hard and scary it must have been for my mom to do it without a partner. I'm so glad she had my aunts, uncles and grandparents as a support system. I can't imagine doing this without Jim.
Now I'm aware of every tick of the minute hand, knowing that as the minutes and hours pass, I am coming closer and closer to being a mother. I'm still searching for the 'How To Be A Perfect Mother and Make No Mistakes' manual. If you know where I can get one, let me know! Until then, I'll just have to take the kicks as they come.
About meeting your baby.
ReplyDeleteYes, you know them because they have exsisted inside you for months, you know their active times and what makes them move. BUT until they come out and start to interact with you and the world you have no idea of their personality, you don't know what makes them cry, what makes them laugh, what makes them scared.
In the first few months I would hold Rorrie and ask her "who are you!?" where did you come from? (of course knowing where she came from) But when I think of her 10-20 years from now I wonder who that person will be, and how at 6 months old I didn't know what her favorite color or thing to do was. It IS strange to create a person and not really know who this person is, or who she will be.
Also in the very beginning you don't even know what kind of baby you have, are they really easygoing and rarely cry, are they really intense and cry often, are they easily soothed, does it take hours to soothe them.
When we first brought Rorrie home I didn't want people around because I wanted to spend time just getting to know my baby, I had no idea what to expect from her, and until I knew what to expect and how to meet her needs I had no interest in bringing her anywhere or having anyone over. I didn't want someone to ask "why is she crying" and have no idea!
Anyways, there is a LOT to get to know about your baby, some babies tolerate things that others go into hysterics right away over. And unfortunately there is no book or list that tells you what these things are, and theres no way of knowing. It's really surprising how many likes and dislikes babies are born with.
Felicia
Kim, you write of watching the clock tick down to motherhood but clearly you're already there. Just as you already know the son living inside you, you are also already thinking about and making so many mothering decisions. You are already a fabulous Mom just for loving that little guy so much and doing your best by him from the beginning. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh and Felicia is right. It definitely takes time as does everything in life to get to understand anyone let alone someone who's experiences are so new. I've found it to be one of the toughest yet most beautiful things in the universe when things click and you start to "get" each other in new ways. The great thing is, the learning process never ends!
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to note that I would trade a snack pack for an avocado sandwhich on Ezekeil bread anyday. That's just what I ate for lunch today :)
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